Well, Russian River has topped the charts again. This time the honor goes to Pliny the Elder, which has been named the best beer of 2011 by the folks over at the American Homebrewers Association. Instead of soaking in the moment and resting on their laurels, we here at B&WB encourage Vinnie and the gang to take it the next level with some new, groundbreaking beers.
Here’s what we suggest:
Pliny the Middle Child – Often overlooked, the middle child is always working hard to get the attention that is enjoyed by their trailblazing older sibling and the youngest one (in curls). The Pliny Middle Child would be something in-between The Elder and The Younger, except no one would remember its name and it would often be heard whining “Elder, Elder, Elder!” when its prettier, more robust sibling gets all the limelight.
Emancipation Proclamation – This brew would steal a page from Honest Abe Lincoln and grant freedom to those shackled by the bonds of Budweiser, Miller and Coors. It would be the ultimate gateway beer – one that eloquently declares a new birth of freedom from deeply average beers.
Mastication – We’ve all had beers that can be described as having a “chewy” mouthfeel, but now it’s time to go all the way and create something that lies between an Old Gubbillygotch and a Brubar. That’s right – a brew you can chew! A beer that eats like a meal!
Constipation – Sure on its surface this one sounds gross, but imagine a beer so packed with goodness that it can’t be poured out of the bottle. There it would sit, locked into place by its own greatness, the only way to break it free being a Little White Enema!
Beer Muscles – Take Beer Esteem, Russian River’s California common and add a tuarine, guarana, ginsing, caffeine and heaping helping of vitamin B and you get Beer Muscles, the ultimate brew to prepare you for a night of bad decision making and a black and blue morning after.
We hope you’re listening, Russian River, and we hope you’re inspired. You can thank us later when beer geeks around the country are clamoring to get a pristine case of Constipation. 🙂
Anyone else have any suggestions? Let us know below!
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Flagellation – This beer beats the sin right out of you.
Immolation – A fiery, ghost-chili beer.
Excommunication – You are no longer welcome in the House of Craft
Yikes – that last one is scary, Sean!!
Wouldn’t that fear be called “Consternation?”
Erection- consume fresh, don’t age it or your bound to be let down.
I know Don likes his Erections fresh…
The Blind Bear- Have you ever seen Don without glasses? Neither have we here at Russian River and that’s why we are still living.
Ah crap – I was thinking about that pig but couldn’t make it work!!!
Desperation – Can only be served between 1:30 and 1:45 am.
It’s Beer Esteem’s evil twin!
Hopefully by then you’ve had enough…
Funny you have this post today, JIm. I’m thinking of taking a Supplication to an ungettables tasting and Brewforia Bown today! If only I could get my hands on some Constipation!
You just have to be patient, Chad…
Expectoration – Brewed with ipecac and Althea root.
Yay, puke beer!
Maybe my favorite post of the year. Good work.
The best I can come up with on short notice (and a dirty mind): Masturbation Milk Stout.
Discuss.
Thanks, Zac. I can’t believe you liked it better than my Moonshot post. 🙂
As far as the Masturbation Milk Stout goes, is that the one you shake up an point at your face before popping off the cap?
Ah, no you di’n’t!
I liked the Moonshot post just fine. I just had issues with some of your descriptors, but I don’t want to go down that road right now.
You just made my suggestion way grosser than I ever could have. Well, done.
That’s why I’m here (on both accounts!) 🙂
Just don’t let Pliny the Minor see you do it.
I don’t think I can respond to this comment in a responsible way so ————————————–
Before the Masturbation you can have a Stimulation Porter, and then bring home a growler of Frustration sour ale when you leave the bar alone.
I think you got those in the wrong order big fella.
He does, but that may be his finest work to date. However, where’s Ejaculation?
That is why he has the growler of Frustration…see its a little story.
It should go Stimulation (look at all the purdy women at the bar!) then Frustration (they don’t find my facial hair ironically hip) then Masturbation (but I do!) and, as Zac has added, Ejaculation (night-night!)
That is just a different story than the one I made up, but it can go any way you want.
Obviously he’s doing it wrong!
They should make plinykansas or plinymissouri. Wtf do I care if its the best beer in the world if I can’t freakin drink it. Sorry just vented.
I gotta believe they would do a Pliny Miami, or a Pliny NYC before they would make it to Kansas. 😉
And then there’s the beer to have after getting a bad review at work and becoming overwhelmed with the urge to lash out and seek vengeance… Insubordination!
Sounds like somebody needs a hug 😦
No no… all good here. Actually had a very positive review this year. Your post reminded me of an email to The Wookie a couple weeks ago. Went on and on with some silly Russian River names is all. 🙂
Glad all is good G. You can leave that Insubordination on the shelf for this year. I wonder how well it ages?
I hope at some point during the exchange you wrote “laugh it up, fuzzball!”
LOL! I forgot to throw the “fuzball” retort out there. I’ll save it up for next time.