Five Beers Russian River Should Make to Top Pliny

Well, Russian River has topped the charts again.  This time the honor goes to Pliny the Elder, which has been named the best beer of 2011 by the folks over at the American Homebrewers Association.  Instead of soaking in the moment and resting on their laurels, we here at B&WB encourage Vinnie and the gang to take it the next level with some new, groundbreaking beers.

Here’s what we suggest: 

Pliny the Middle Child – Often overlooked, the middle child is always working hard to get the attention that is enjoyed by their trailblazing older sibling and the youngest one (in curls).  The Pliny Middle Child would be something in-between The Elder and The Younger, except no one would remember its name and it would often be heard whining “Elder, Elder, Elder!” when its prettier, more robust sibling gets all the limelight.

Emancipation Proclamation – This brew would steal a page from Honest Abe Lincoln and grant freedom to those shackled by the bonds of Budweiser, Miller and Coors.  It would be the ultimate gateway beer – one that eloquently declares a new birth of freedom from deeply average beers.

Mastication – We’ve all had beers that can be described as having a “chewy” mouthfeel, but now it’s time to go all the way and create something that lies between an Old Gubbillygotch and a Brubar.  That’s right – a brew you can chew! A beer that eats like a meal!

Constipation – Sure on its surface this one sounds gross, but imagine a beer so packed with goodness that it can’t be poured out of the bottle.  There it would sit, locked into place by its own greatness, the only way to break it free being a Little White Enema!

Beer Muscles – Take Beer Esteem, Russian River’s California common and add a tuarine, guarana, ginsing, caffeine and heaping helping of vitamin B  and you get Beer Muscles, the ultimate brew to prepare you for a night of bad decision making and a black and blue morning after.

We hope you’re listening, Russian River, and we hope you’re inspired.  You can thank us later when beer geeks around the country are clamoring to get a pristine case of Constipation.  🙂

Anyone else have any suggestions?  Let us know below!

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Categories: Beer

Author:Jim

Craft beer nerd, frequent beer blogger and occasional home brewer.

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35 Comments on “Five Beers Russian River Should Make to Top Pliny”

  1. July 6, 2011 at 1:48 pm #

    Flagellation – This beer beats the sin right out of you.

    Immolation – A fiery, ghost-chili beer.

    Excommunication – You are no longer welcome in the House of Craft

    • July 6, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

      Yikes – that last one is scary, Sean!!

      • Mike
        July 6, 2011 at 2:00 pm #

        Wouldn’t that fear be called “Consternation?”

  2. John King
    July 6, 2011 at 2:01 pm #

    Erection- consume fresh, don’t age it or your bound to be let down.

    • July 6, 2011 at 2:21 pm #

      I know Don likes his Erections fresh…

  3. John King
    July 6, 2011 at 2:04 pm #

    The Blind Bear- Have you ever seen Don without glasses? Neither have we here at Russian River and that’s why we are still living.

    • July 6, 2011 at 2:22 pm #

      Ah crap – I was thinking about that pig but couldn’t make it work!!!

  4. July 6, 2011 at 2:18 pm #

    Desperation – Can only be served between 1:30 and 1:45 am.

    • July 6, 2011 at 2:19 pm #

      It’s Beer Esteem’s evil twin!

    • July 6, 2011 at 2:22 pm #

      Hopefully by then you’ve had enough…

  5. July 6, 2011 at 2:30 pm #

    Funny you have this post today, JIm. I’m thinking of taking a Supplication to an ungettables tasting and Brewforia Bown today! If only I could get my hands on some Constipation!

    • July 6, 2011 at 2:53 pm #

      You just have to be patient, Chad…

  6. July 6, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

    Expectoration – Brewed with ipecac and Althea root.

    • July 6, 2011 at 2:53 pm #

      Yay, puke beer!

  7. July 6, 2011 at 3:15 pm #

    Maybe my favorite post of the year. Good work.

    The best I can come up with on short notice (and a dirty mind): Masturbation Milk Stout.

    Discuss.

    • July 6, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

      Thanks, Zac. I can’t believe you liked it better than my Moonshot post. 🙂

      As far as the Masturbation Milk Stout goes, is that the one you shake up an point at your face before popping off the cap?

      • July 6, 2011 at 3:44 pm #

        Ah, no you di’n’t!

        I liked the Moonshot post just fine. I just had issues with some of your descriptors, but I don’t want to go down that road right now.

        You just made my suggestion way grosser than I ever could have. Well, done.

        • July 6, 2011 at 4:00 pm #

          That’s why I’m here (on both accounts!) 🙂

      • July 6, 2011 at 3:44 pm #

        Just don’t let Pliny the Minor see you do it.

        • July 6, 2011 at 4:02 pm #

          I don’t think I can respond to this comment in a responsible way so ————————————–

    • Don
      July 6, 2011 at 3:56 pm #

      Before the Masturbation you can have a Stimulation Porter, and then bring home a growler of Frustration sour ale when you leave the bar alone.

      • July 6, 2011 at 4:01 pm #

        I think you got those in the wrong order big fella.

        • July 6, 2011 at 4:23 pm #

          He does, but that may be his finest work to date. However, where’s Ejaculation?

        • Don
          July 6, 2011 at 4:34 pm #

          That is why he has the growler of Frustration…see its a little story.

        • July 6, 2011 at 4:41 pm #

          It should go Stimulation (look at all the purdy women at the bar!) then Frustration (they don’t find my facial hair ironically hip) then Masturbation (but I do!) and, as Zac has added, Ejaculation (night-night!)

        • Don
          July 6, 2011 at 4:44 pm #

          That is just a different story than the one I made up, but it can go any way you want.

        • July 6, 2011 at 4:41 pm #

          Obviously he’s doing it wrong!

  8. FatCatKC
    July 6, 2011 at 5:18 pm #

    They should make plinykansas or plinymissouri. Wtf do I care if its the best beer in the world if I can’t freakin drink it. Sorry just vented.

    • Don
      July 6, 2011 at 5:33 pm #

      I gotta believe they would do a Pliny Miami, or a Pliny NYC before they would make it to Kansas. 😉

  9. July 7, 2011 at 8:11 am #

    And then there’s the beer to have after getting a bad review at work and becoming overwhelmed with the urge to lash out and seek vengeance… Insubordination!

    • July 7, 2011 at 8:17 am #

      Sounds like somebody needs a hug 😦

      • July 7, 2011 at 9:49 am #

        No no… all good here. Actually had a very positive review this year. Your post reminded me of an email to The Wookie a couple weeks ago. Went on and on with some silly Russian River names is all. 🙂

        • Don
          July 7, 2011 at 10:39 am #

          Glad all is good G. You can leave that Insubordination on the shelf for this year. I wonder how well it ages?

        • July 7, 2011 at 10:53 am #

          I hope at some point during the exchange you wrote “laugh it up, fuzzball!”

        • July 8, 2011 at 8:22 am #

          LOL! I forgot to throw the “fuzball” retort out there. I’ll save it up for next time.

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