You Fill In The Blank: Mega-Store-Branded Beers

I just posted about how Walgreens is custom-brewing their own beer.

It’s a “premium” lager called Big Flats 1901, and the tagline is “It’s the Water That Makes It.” We’ve been poking a little fun in the comments, and our pal Alex said we should all start playing with the tag line.  But why stop there?

So I’m inviting everyone to come up with what they think other mega-stores might name their custom brand of beer, and what the tag line might be.  Heck, you can even come up with what style of beer they’d sell.

Here’s an example I’ve come up with:

Store: Wal*Mart

Beer Name: Whiskey-Tango Desperation Dopplebock

Tagline: After a Few of These, You’ll Forget Where You Got ‘Em!”

You get the idea, now try you’re own – have fun (and be snarky!)

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Categories: Beer

Author:Jim

Craft beer nerd, frequent beer blogger and occasional home brewer.

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38 Comments on “You Fill In The Blank: Mega-Store-Branded Beers”

  1. Matt
    January 27, 2011 at 4:59 pm #

    Autozone 5W30 Full Synthetic Amber Ale

    Smooth your idle and flush your system. Uses only the finest lab created beer flavor compounds and sold in convenient quart size containers.

    • Alex
      January 27, 2011 at 5:03 pm #

      Nice!

    • January 27, 2011 at 6:02 pm #

      I’ve had a beer that’s flushed my system before, but probably not like this puppy would!

  2. Alex
    January 27, 2011 at 5:02 pm #

    OK, since you mentioned me, here goes:

    Store: Home Depot
    Beer name: Homer’s Big Orange Bucket o’ Bock Beer (sold in one of these: http://bit.ly/dTEPKb)
    Tagline: “Dulls the pain when you mitre-saw your fingers!”

    • January 27, 2011 at 6:01 pm #

      Wait a minute – I use one of those to brew!

  3. Matt
    January 27, 2011 at 5:23 pm #

    Toys R Us Geoffrey’s Lament Lager

    Brewed with 100% pure children’s tears from the finest whiny children denied the latest toy craze. Sold in 8oz juice boxes and growler fills are available at the customer service desk.

    When you have to listen to kids whine for toys all day you need something to take the edge off.

    • January 27, 2011 at 6:02 pm #

      The only thing that’d be better would be beer brewed with unicorn tears!

  4. January 27, 2011 at 11:19 pm #

    Store: Hustler Hollywood

    Beer Name: Cherry Pop Sour Ale

    Tagline: “Pop that cherry and release the passion fruit bouquet!”

    Sorry. I couldn’t resist. I actually scrapped a few raunchier ideas. It’s late. I should go to bed.

    • January 28, 2011 at 10:08 am #

      Right to the gutter – love it!

  5. January 28, 2011 at 8:57 am #

    Store: Piggly Wiggly

    Beer Name: Wee Heavy Chitlin Ale

    Tag Line: I wanna drink those Chitlins!

    • Don
      January 28, 2011 at 9:52 am #

      Awesome Greg!

  6. Don
    January 28, 2011 at 9:56 am #

    Store: Costco

    Beer Name: Muffin Top Pale Ale

    Tag Line: Pick up your 480 pack today!

    • January 28, 2011 at 10:08 am #

      Size matters!

  7. Don
    January 28, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    Store: Petco

    Beer: Leg Lifter Lager

    Tag Line…No, really its beer.

    • January 28, 2011 at 10:09 am #

      I love how folks are going right off the beaten path here. And Leg Lifter Lager is awesome, BTW.

  8. Don
    January 28, 2011 at 10:08 am #

    Store: McDonalds

    Beer: Chicken Nugget Nectar

    Tag Line: McBeer Me!

    • January 28, 2011 at 10:09 am #

      🙂

  9. Don
    January 28, 2011 at 10:25 am #

    Store: US Fish and Wildlife Service

    Beer: Salmon Milt Saison

    Tag Line: It’s in the Water.

    • January 28, 2011 at 11:05 am #

      Or “From our fishes’ butts to your lips!”

    • Evan
      January 28, 2011 at 1:32 pm #

      I think you mean salmon MILT

      • Don
        January 28, 2011 at 1:36 pm #

        Good catch Evan. Fixed it.

  10. January 28, 2011 at 10:28 am #

    Store: Sears

    Beer: Craftsman Double Whiskey Barrel 120-Minute Chocolate Milk Stout Reserve

    Tag Line: It’s open season on craftsman beer. Lifetime warranty on all Craftsman beers.

    • January 28, 2011 at 11:06 am #

      I like the idea of a “double barrel stout” with whiskey and sherry aging…I know it’s a joke, but you’ve made me thirsty, Tex!

      • January 28, 2011 at 4:34 pm #

        Glad to oblige… I’m thirsty too. And you know, there is some kernel of truth in all jokes.

  11. January 28, 2011 at 10:29 am #

    Store: Super 8

    Beer: 8 Ball

    Tag Line: Hit me with a 40!

    • January 28, 2011 at 11:06 am #

      Surely that wouldn’t be the first 8 ball sold in a Super 8!

  12. Don
    January 28, 2011 at 10:50 am #

    Store: US Fish and Wildlife Service

    Beer: Salmon Milt Stout

    Tag Line: That’s right Bitches…We own Hatcheries!

    • January 28, 2011 at 11:07 am #

      Enough with the fish! It’s almost like you’re working a hatchery or something. 😉

  13. Don
    January 28, 2011 at 11:13 am #

    Store: Idaho Fish and Game

    Beer: Bearpoop Barleywine

    Tag Line: Yeah…You want to make this one during Berry season!

  14. Don
    January 28, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

    Store: The NFL

    Beer: Coors Light

    Tag Line: Nothing to see here…Move along.

  15. Don
    January 28, 2011 at 1:10 pm #

    Store: Bed, Bath, and Beyond

    Beer: Oatmeal Soap Stout

    Tag Line: Wash your mouth out with this!

  16. Evan
    January 28, 2011 at 1:33 pm #

    Apple: iBeer

    The beer that will change the future!

    (two weeks later)
    wait we need to release a new model.. okay, now THIS is the real future! Upgrade today!

  17. February 1, 2011 at 1:42 pm #

    Store: Amazon.com

    Beer Name: Hop-polyte IPA

    Tag Line: Yes, we use obscure literary references normal people would not get but we could not think of another “hop” pun.

    • February 1, 2011 at 1:49 pm #

      🙂

      What about the “Brewdle” electronic beer? It can hold up to 1500 digital beers, which means you no longer have to drag your cooler around with you!

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