The Beer Aisle is Like a Junior High School Dance

I recently wrote about great beer with awful labels for, and the whole topic of “shelf presence” got me to thinking how susceptible I am to primal urges when I’m shopping for beer.  I see a pretty face and go all weak at the knees.

It’s like when I was a kid at a seventh grade dance, deciding which girl I wanted to approach (not to dance with mind you – ARE YOU KIDDING? –  just to dazzle her with my prepubescent wit).  Sure, Allison from social studies is cute and she seems like a really smart and funny girl, but Tonya is WEARING MAKE UP! She might be vapid and nasty, but she’s looks like a real LIVE WOMAN!!!  Must…chat…up…Tonya…

And that’s exactly how I now roll in the beer aisle.  I walk in with good intentions, promising myself that I’m going to do the right thing and not load up on strong ales and stouts, and then my pea brains is invariably pulled off mission by a pretty label or the promise of a lusty dark beer.  I know that Jolly Pumpkin Bam Bière is an artfully crafted farmhouse ale, but Schlafly Reserve Imperial Stout is MAKING EYES AT ME!  Must…buy…barrel-aged…stouts…

I’d like to say I resist these urges and only get the things that my logical self thinks will help broaden my horizons and better inform my beer drinking palate, but that’s usually not the case.  Sometimes I buy both the logical stuff and the primally delicious stuff, and then one gets popped open on the weekend and the other slowly makes its way to the back of the fridge with all the other Allisons.

I know she’s a nice girl, but Tonya makes my belly quiver.

Apparently some things never change.




Tags: , , , , , ,

Categories: Beer, Lifestyle


Craft beer nerd, frequent beer blogger and occasional home brewer.

Join the Madness

Like beer? Like whiskey? Like goofing off? Follow Us!

13 Comments on “The Beer Aisle is Like a Junior High School Dance”

  1. May 31, 2012 at 10:56 am #

    That analogy is hilarious. And I’m going through a similar phase right now. There’s an “absence makes the heart grow fonder” kind of thing going on. Many of the darker products have been shelved because it’s hotter than a two-peckered billy goat outside. And their lesser availability this time of year makes me want them more.

    • May 31, 2012 at 11:09 am #

      Wait, so you’re jonesing for a two-peckered billy goat? 🙂

      • May 31, 2012 at 11:20 am #

        If nothing else, you could rent it to carnivals or something.

        • May 31, 2012 at 11:37 am #

          Or use it to really frustrate a farmer. “Gol dong thang won’t hardly give anee milk. An when it does, it makes the most awful noise!”

  2. May 31, 2012 at 11:07 am #

    Is this is just an issue of insuring variety? I actually have the opposite problem. I know that Tonya is hot but I worry that I missing out on what all the Allisons have to offer. So, I don’t take advantage of my opportunities with Tonya. Meanwhile, I’m hanging with Allison, always thinking about Tonya. It’s rather unhealthy and not fair to Allison.

    • May 31, 2012 at 11:10 am #

      Yes, looks like you’ve entered a lustless relationship with a prudent girls, Zac.

      Science tells us that those are no fun!

      • May 31, 2012 at 11:25 am #

        Science or beer advertisements?

        • May 31, 2012 at 11:36 am #

          The science…in my pants!

        • May 31, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

          I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

        • John King
          May 31, 2012 at 11:55 am #

          The real question at hand is, who can get the job done?

        • May 31, 2012 at 2:48 pm #

          Depends on the job.

  3. May 31, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

    Me, I’m fickle (and greedy)–I want to go out w/ all the girls (so many to choose from…). Variety really IS the spice of life.

    • May 31, 2012 at 4:54 pm #

      I’m a super loyal husband, but I step out on my beers quite a bit!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: