It’s not easy being the worst at something.
Spectacular failure doesn’t just happen – it requires profoundly “not getting it” but still putting in a full effort. It takes an unflinching lack of talent and deeply misguided motives.
Being the best at being bad means creating something so uniquely unpleasant that people take notice. The films of Ed Wood come to mind. Or the Yugo. Or the music of GG Allin (and don’t give me that performance artist crap).
In the world of beer, this honor goes to Olde English 800, which was recently crowned the “Worst Beer in the World” by the folks over at Rate Beer.
But how bad can it really be? Well, I recently received a 40 of Olde English as a gag gift and decided to see just how much “gag” the gift could elicit. As it turns out, there’s a lot wrong here, so let’s break it down in a linear fashion, starting with the packaging.
As beer nerds know, daylight is the natural enemy of beer. Its rays penetrate the brew and create a reaction in the oil of the hops to create the “skunk” flavor associated with beer gone bad. To protect against this, brewers put their beers in dark bottles (or even better, cans) to block out these harmful rays. But not the folks who bottle Olde English 800. True to its malt liquor roots, they package it in a clear bottle, Colt .45 style, light damage be damned. Maybe there aren’t any hops to skunk. I dunno.
Next is the sensation of actually twisting off the tall metal screw top. The popping sound it makes as you start to twist. The way the metal cap scrapes the glass threads as it is unwound from the bottle. The way the cap feels oddly light in the hand. I can’t remember the last time I unscrewed the top of a beer, but it felt foreign and a little wrong.
Even before the pour, my kitchen began to fill with the unmistakable smell of “daytime drunk.” It reminded me of Ralph, a guy who hung around the gas station I worked at in high school. Ralph lived in an old police cruiser out back with his friend Lenny, who he may or may not have killed in his sleep. It’s amazing the memories a smell can whip up, especially that of cheap beer breath.
When I poured it, the Olde English 800 had a perfectly clear light straw color – It looked nice, if not a little “thin” in the glass. I poured it hard, conjuring a large and fluffy white head that quickly disappeared. In the bottle, large bubbles clung to the sides, as if it contained fresh dishwater. That’s never a good sign.
The nose failed to make me any more confident that I’d enjoy this beer, as it smelled of alcohol, corn, some veggies and a bit like an uncle who tickles too hard.
The taste was sour, with more corn, some sweet malt, some metallic notes and the hint of rancid vegetables, which hung on my palate long after the sip was over. Overall, this is not a good beer.
But was it the “worst” beer in the world? I really can’t say because I don’t usually drink these kinds of brews. It tasted like a very bad example of a typical macro-brewed lager, but it didn’t make me gag or anything.
Actually, it lead me to a surprising comparison. It made me think of Pliny the Elder, considered by many to be the best beer in the world. As beers, they couldn’t be more different, but as “ultimates” (best and worst) they share something in common – too much hype.
For the Homies. And my palate.
Just like I was disappointed that Pliny the Elder didn’t live up to its billing, I was equally underwhelmed by Olde English 800’s awfulness. I was ready for paint thinner served in a dirty soup can, but all that I got was a generally bad beer. It wasn’t brilliantly or willfully bad like Cop Rock, it was just not very good. But I guess when you’re making lists, someone has to be on top, or bottom, or whatever.
After my sample, I started to pour a bit out (in honor of my fallen homies) and decided to honor them as much as possible, letting the contents of the 40 drain out completely.
But just like my departed homeboys, the Olde English 800 continued to be with me in spirit, as its rancid veggie aftertaste clung to my palate. It was strong enough to spoil the Troegs Mad Elf I used as a chaser, pulling out the worst in that otherwise magnificent brew.
I should have chased it with whiskey instead.
Or Listerine.
Beer & Whiskey Brothers 
Steel Reserve is much, much worse. Do a write up on a review of that 🙂
I’ve done my part for science!! Now where is that Stone Imperial Russian Stout I had…
I agree. 211 is a lot worse. Tastes like pure liquid ass. At least Olde E gets better as you get drunk. Granted, I haven’t drank it since I was a teen paying homeless guys to buy it for me 😛
Cave. Creek. Chili. Beer.
What a hilarious send-up of, in the parlance of my fraternity days in the mid 90’s, “O E”.
I thought I’d give it a fair shake, and it was certainly not very good. But it’s legendary for being bad, which is better than mediocre, right?
Two words: Brass Monkey!
That funky monkey?
That’s the one. Gets your vitamin C in for the day.
Funny! Mad props for giving it the ol’ college try though!
I think just about everyone gave “The Olde” a try in college, Scott.
Totally out of line with the shot at Cop-Rock. As a fan of Randy Newman all I can say is…. Ok, really what were they thinking!
I was on the fence about calling it the worst TV show ever, then I looked at the video clip on YouTube that I linked to.
After that, I considered writing it in all CAPS and making it bold. If I could make it a flashing *worst*worst*worst* I would. 🙂
How come I have never heard of this Cop Rock? The song seemed pretty good…He’s Guiiiillllttttyyy!
Maybe they didn’t get it in whatever isolated hellhole you were living in at the time.
That sounds like a good thing, no?
Missing Cop Rock? Yes.
Still having dial-up Internet? No.
There was also “Uncle Buck: The Series”:
and an Enos spinoff from “The Dukes of Hazzard”:
Wow, those are both contenders, John.
I kept waiting for Kevin Meaney to shriek “That’s Not Riiight!” during the Uncle Buck opening. And the theme song is just perfect. What a load of 80’s poo that was!
Jim, way to man up! Don, your brother is almost Idaho worthy. Get the flannel ready!
Don’t forget that I lived in Iowa for five years as a kid and then suburban Detroit. I’m flannel worthy already, trust me!
Of course it might be designer flannel, with a tighter patterns and a slim cut…
Dude, You’re like LL Bean Flannel worthy. You need to get out here and get you some Carharts!
Is the malt liquor classification close enough to a beer to be in the same category? If that’s the case, wouldn’t Smirnoff Ice and the Mike’s Hard be there as well? Aren’t those all in that malt somethingorother category?
Malt Liquor isn’t exactly beer – it uses tradition beer ingredients, but the alcohol content is usually jacked up using sugar or other additives. But in general, if it’s yellow and fizzy, it’s considered to be in the “beer” family (at least by me).
Mike’s and Ice are both malt beverages, but they don’t use the ingredients found in beer the way a traditional malt liquor does. They are alcoholic beverages designed for those who don’t like beer but want something to sip on that won’t separate them from their panties.
I thought that was the point of the malternatives, no? Helping people make bad decisions since the Zima era?
Zima was just aping the pioneering work done by messers Bartles and Jaymes with their lovely wine coolers. I wonder how many kids born in the mid to late 80’s can thank them for helping get them into this world?
You’re welcome.
Yes, thanks for supplying the bottle of OE, Frank. You are a man of exquisite tastes.
Sorry I didn’t invite you over for the tasting. There was plenty to go around.
Anyone down for round of Edward 40-hands? You bring the duct tape, I’ll get the 40’s.
You win. Whew – I’m glad that’s over! 🙂
I’ve never had OE. Even back in the day when I drank macro stuff I never thought to pick it up. I used to play a drinking game called ‘Edward 40 Hands.’ Duct tape a 40 ounce of crap beer to each hand…can take them off till they’re gone. The memory alone makes me want to puke. Anyway…OE seems like a perfect choice for Edward 40 Hands.
I believeOE is pictured in the Official Edward 40 Hands Rulebook. It was made for that game!
oops…just noticed justin commented on the same thing.
it feels good to not be alone…
You mentioned GG Allin and “crap” in the same sentence… haha!
I didn’t think of that, but it’s totally appropriate, no?
Monsieur Allin and I share a birthday. I think fondly of it.
Why does that not surprise me?…
Better than sharing a bathroom with him.
How did he always know he would go on stage? He must have had a big meal before each performance!
Coffee and prunes!!
Also, Michael Jackson, but not the beer one. The kid-diddler-Thriller one.
That, too, makes sense, Daniel…
damn. this beer is bomb. im tired of getting 40s with no taste to it. i.e. light beers. i always get a 40 of olde english when im at the store.. ive had MUCH worse beers in my life. like king cobra.
Or 40….
I like Olde English and I have tried other beers when I lived in Germany and I liked them too. I do not think it should be labeled as such. I guess people have their opinions.
you know they make it in cans haha thats my favorite beer but not in a dam 40
I actually had no idea about the cans, I’ve only seen the 40’s. And there’s something about this beer that makes the 40oz see-through glass bottle just seem like the way to go…
Old E has always been my favorite since I was 16 yrs old…I’m 41 now and still enjoy it. 40, 24, 22 or 16 oz. They use to make 64 oz bottles of Old E. (serious arm curls) I drank that too. To my surprise Old E is made by Miller and I enjoy all Miller beer products.
Packaging? The “feel” of the cap? You act like you bought a car or something. Drink a fourty or six, then tell me it ain’t the whip son.
I hear you, dog.
I dunno if it’s just me, I drink the canadian 8% and it just tastes like a sweet beer with a little extra alcohol. In fact, I love this stuff… 12 bucks and you’re as drunk as you wanna be. On the other hand, I have awful taste according to my friends… being in university and all you can’t afford that much. Old E or Old Mil when you’re poor and Crown Royal/Coke or Canadian when the money comes in.
If your metric is buzz-for-the-buck, then OE is a contender!
It is great that FLOTUS appears in an ad at the end of a Malt Liquor article asking for a vote for her husband.
ML drinkers unite!
I been sippin on old gold for 15 yrs….i can say i still have a flat stomach…its the best hood beer ever…who ever the makers are need to do commercials i’ll represent for old gold……….
what kind of bitch pours the 8ball in a glass lol 8ball aint for the taste its to get the ball rollin and get u drunk you lame
They are terrible on their own. Try out a brass monkey, it’s the only way to drink old e.
There are beers that are worse than Olde E. The mentioned Steel Reserve is awful. Natty ice is slightly worse. Colt 45 too me is much worse. They do come in cans of course but are better known for the 40’s. I use to drink this back in the day. Since then i moved on to other mass produced beers. Now just more recently i rediscovered Olde E and been drinking it again. As long as it is cold and i avoid drinking the head it is acceptable and more importantly cheap..lol…Anyone remember Crazy Horse?