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The Oreo Cookie Incident

oreosOne of the nice things about this blog is that you can get to know Jim and I through some of our posts.  That is why we have titled it Beer, Whiskey…AND BROTHERHOOD.  The brotherhood part is important to make this a well rounded experience for both us the posters, and hopefully some of you the readers.  It should also provide some interesting insights into our upbringing and perhaps provide some entertainment value as well.

Ever since I can remember my brother Jim has hated tomatoes.  He hates their tecture and flavor too.  He said they look and taste like they are unfinished.  So of course I made it my personal mission to try and get him to eat one.  I tried for weeks to use my superior intellect to convince, cajoul and trick him into accidentaly eating one of his least favorite foods on the planet.  Given that he was 7 years younger than me, I thought it would be easy to make this happen.  Well he figured out each time I was trying to trick him into eating the vile vegetable.  So as his brother, and given the fact that I was 7 years older than him, and I outweighed him by about 150 pounds, I thought one evening I would just cram a tomato slice into his mouth.

Well, as I have mentioned before Jim is very thin, and even though I had a good grasp on him, he is very strong.  And he can purse his lips tighter than a sphinkter on Mr Toad’s Wild Ride!  No doing, all I managed to do was to 1) almost get finger bit off, and 2) smear tomato all over his face.  He was having none of it, and I had to admit defeat.  But being the kiniving big brother that I was I immediately began to hatch yet another plan to completely gross him out, and if I was lucky I would ruin one of his favorite foods for life!!

There is really only one thing Jim likes better than Beer, and that is junk food.  Now as a father and an adult Jim has modified his diet to be a healthy adult, and set a good example for his children on how to eat right and nutritious.  But growing up if you asked Jim if he would rather have a nutricious dinner or a bag of Doritos the chips won every time.  Jim also had a very strong sweet tooth.  So one day I caught him at the kitchen table eating a bag of Oreo Cookies.  Jim loved Oreos almost more than life itself.  I think that even today if you gave Jim the choice between a beer and a bag of Oreos, more times than not the cookies would win out, but convention and sticking to a healthy diet would overrule his passion and he would choose the beer.  But in Jim’s heart of hearts he would be jonesing for the cookies.

This time I had my friend with me.  He was a more than willing accomplise in my plan to force feed my little brother something gross.  I thought that where I had failed with the Tomato, the two of us together could definately overpower this 8 year old and force the vile concoction into his gullet.

One thing Jim hated even more than Tomatoes was Mustard!  He wouldn’t touch the stuff.  Not even the tiny little squirt that you get on a McDonald’s hamburger was palateable to Jim.  So my diabolical plan was to cover an Oreo with Mustard, and with my friend holding him down, and me holding his nose he would have to open his mouth for air, and at just the precise moment I would jam the mustard laden cookie into his mouth.  Oh my plan was so perfect, what could possibly go wrong, not only was I going to force feed my little brother something gross, I was going to ruin one of his favorite snack cookies in the process…it was beautiful!

Well, remember I mentioned that he was strong!  He was, but we finally got him pinned to the floor, I had the mustard cookie in one hand and Jim’s nose in my other.  Then I heard this noise, faint at first then it grew a little louder.  A hissing noise, I though it was water running in the dishwasher, then I realized it was coming from my brother.  He was breathing through his mouth with his teeth clenched and the noise was the air rushing past the spaces between his teeth!  I couldn’t believe it, my plan crumbled before me in a heap of cookie crumbs and smeared mustard.  I could not get it into his mouth no matter how hard we tried.  We tried tickling, and prying, but to no avail.  Jim was the lord and master of his own body and nothing he didn’t deem worthy was going to enter it!

That pretty much sums up my little brother, strong, smart, resourceful, and principled.  Jim the Beer I’m drinking tonight is for you, just a Corona, but it is now the stuff of Beer, Whiskey, and Brotherhood.

-Don

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4 Comments on “The Oreo Cookie Incident”

  1. December 8, 2010 at 12:31 pm #

    This is great stuff. It’s good to laugh about it now.

    The kid brother always gets whooped. It’s part of nature.

    • Don
      December 8, 2010 at 12:37 pm #

      You know John, it is a part of nature, but I can’t seem to get Jim to buy into that notion!

      • December 8, 2010 at 12:46 pm #

        It’s part of nature, but us kid brothers don’t have to like it.

        This would actually be a great idea for a blog. “stuffmybrotherdidtome.com”.

        • Don
          December 8, 2010 at 12:49 pm #

          I could see it as a stick figure cartoon blog!

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