Brewer Shaves Beard, Loses Magical Beer Making Powers

Faith-ba

It’s been well established that beer geeks and brewers love facial hair, the shaggier and scruffier, the better.  What’s less well known is that, like the biblical strongman Samson, some brewers’ magical powers lie solely in their facial hair.

New Holland Brewing Company’s woodmaster Tim Faith is learning this the hard way.

Tim Faith before the "incident" - his beard positively glowed!

Tim Faith before the “incident” – his beard positively glowed!

Up until recently, Faith had a beard so scraggly and bushy that it would make a Civil War vet jealous.  He also was responsible for making New Holland’s excellent barrel-aging program tick.  And tick it did.  Not only do they produce the fantabulously rich and boozy Dragons Milk, but also myriad other special tipples, each more mouthwatering than the next.

But then Faith, an avid runner and outdoorsy type, shaved off his scratchy mane, leaving him looking like a second-string NFL quarterback.

But that’s not the worst of it. 

Faith has recently begun making odd suggestions at New Holland production meetings.  First was his attempt to order 500 beechwood barrels, claiming he had a great idea for an “All-American brew, one that would be cheap to make and could easily be scaled up to industrial proportions.”

Then it was his insistence that everything New Holland sends out the door not only tastes great, but is less filling.

He also pitched the idea that every New Holland label feature a windmill whose blades turn blue when the beer is ice cold.

He was most recently heard muttering that he was going to “head for the mountains” where “it doesn’t get any better than this!”

Faith after he sheared his powers away. Now he looks like Brady Quinn!

Faith after he sheared his powers away. Now he looks like Brady Quinn!

A spokesman for New Holland (who requested anonymity) told Beer and Whiskey Brothers that a team has been sent to Faith’s house to remove all razor blades and electronic shaving devices, and that they’ve secretly replaced his sunscreen, which Faith slathers on his face before his daily run, with Rogaine.

Hopefully things will return to normal soon, but regardless, there’s a takeaway here for our brewer friends – if you’re going to lose the beard, shave it down in stages.  Start with a goatee and lamb chops, then maybe a fu-manchu, then soulpatch etc., Take it slow, tasting your beer with each step, ensuring that like Faith, your brewing prowess wasn’t somehow comically linked to your magical whiskers.

Let this be a warning to us all.

This, of course is sarcasm – I’m sure Tim’s beers are just fine, and his runs are probably a little less sweaty.  It kills me to have to write this explanation, but these are the times we live in – mouthbreathers rule the Internet!

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Categories: Beer, Lifestyle

Author:Jim

Craft beer nerd, frequent beer blogger and occasional home brewer.

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23 Comments on “Brewer Shaves Beard, Loses Magical Beer Making Powers”

  1. Paul Gardner
    September 18, 2013 at 11:08 am #

    With great beardly-ness comes great responsibility…

    • September 18, 2013 at 11:12 am #

      Indeed it does…
      Spider Beard!

  2. September 18, 2013 at 11:22 am #

    Speaking of beards Jim, have you tried Rogue’s Beard Beer? I’ve got a bomber of it chillin’ in the beer fridge.

    • September 18, 2013 at 11:26 am #

      No, I’m kind of an anti Rogue snob at this point, as most of their beers taste the same to me. I know it’s moronic, but I never claimed to be anything else!

  3. September 18, 2013 at 11:24 am #

    BTW, my beard is officially 41 years old this month.

    • September 18, 2013 at 11:27 am #

      Happy Beardthday, Wayne! Sounds like it’s ready for a midlife crisis.

      • September 18, 2013 at 12:13 pm #

        Photos necessary!

        • September 18, 2013 at 12:15 pm #

          Aw snap, here comes the beard measuring contest!!

        • September 20, 2013 at 8:39 am #

          No worries guys, I just had it trimmed when I got my hair cut. I’ll try to find a pic of me when I was about 30 and the beard was black, bushy and full. Now its just another old guy w/ a white beard–a dime a dozen.

  4. Wendi
    September 18, 2013 at 11:42 am #

    He might brew better bearded but I’d sure rather sit and enjoy a beer with the clean shaven version…just say’in…..

    • September 18, 2013 at 11:45 am #

      All style no substance, Wee!

  5. Dino
    September 18, 2013 at 11:55 am #

    You speak the truth. I started growing my beard at the end of June and already, the last few homebrew batches I’ve done have been significantly better. Is Ninkasi granting beard powers?

    On a side note: How the heck does Jen Talley brew such good beer?!?!?! Pretty sure she doesn’t have a beard (at least I hope not)

    • September 18, 2013 at 11:58 am #

      It’s all about armpit hair for the ladies! Why do you think there are so many excellent female French vintners? ;)

      • September 18, 2013 at 12:10 pm #

        Lets hope that no one thinks to go searching around that area for Brewers Yeast to use in a batch!

        • September 18, 2013 at 12:15 pm #

          I agree 100% – there’s wild yeast and then there’s that!

  6. Diss Content
    September 18, 2013 at 1:47 pm #

    As a card carrying member of the Bearded Brotherhood, I can add another benefit of going full on, with the facial hair. Every month I go without shaving, I’m twenty bucks richer, and therefore have the budget for more magical, sweet, life affirming craft beer.

    So the choice is yours. Spend a couple sawbucks to facilitate a shaky hand dragging a razor over your face first thing in the morning, or learn to live with that professorial, he-man lumberjack look, and enjoy a couple extra sixers of Dragon’s Milk or the latest barrel aged creation.

    • September 18, 2013 at 3:51 pm #

      I hear you, but sadly you’re only gonna get about a four pack of Dragons Milk for your $20, as it retails for $17.99 a four pack. I can only imagine it’ll be going up soon, as Mr. Faith now has a $20/month razor habit to support!

      • Diss Content
        September 18, 2013 at 4:27 pm #

        Besides being terminally bearded, I’m also the sort of guy who sees the glass as entirely empty, rather than hopelessly shattered on the floor. I once lamented that I only had $20 for Dragon’s Milk, till I met a man with no mouth. So celebrate the ability to enjoy four more bottles of Dragon’s Milk, and use the two bucks remaining to purchase some facial tissues and blot those endless tears of joy before they are lost in that wiry, coarse, butch beard.

        Who’s the victim here?

      • September 18, 2013 at 5:01 pm #

        First it’s razors, then it’s full-on black tar heroin.

  7. September 18, 2013 at 5:45 pm #

    Fallen beard-hairs are the best secret ingredient :) Unfortunately I cannot grow one but am taking applications for bearded men to help me homebrew specifically for that purpose (joking?)

    • September 20, 2013 at 8:37 am #

      Have you checked out where the yeast from berad beer came from Shan?

  8. September 18, 2013 at 8:26 pm #

    I can’t exactly call it a beard, it’s more of a 10 O’clock shadow (tad more than 5 – think Don Johnson in Miami Vice… I’m showing my age), but like Dino above it does appear to be related to brewing prowess… I’ve let it grow out just a bit more lately ( ~11:00) and I just brewed what I believe is going to be the best IPA ever… coincidence… I think not. No beards on Jim Koch or Phin DeMink (Southern Tier), though… However, that dude on the Sammy Adams commercials has enough beard for Jim anyway.

  9. December 12, 2013 at 10:06 pm #

    There’s some science in your post. I shaved mine in November and beer hasn’t tasted the same since. Plus, I’m considering converting my beer making setup to a wine making setup. Please tell my wife that I can grow it back!

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