They say you always hurt the ones you love, and I have decided to take my pissy mood out on my beloved craft beer.
Here are the five things I hate about craft beer, in no particular order.
1. The Calories. I love flavorful beers, but it seems the tastier the brew, the more calories it’s packing. I’m sorry, craft beer, but that just sucks. It’s hard enough to keep a beer belly at bay drinking Michelob Ultra 64 – forget about Imperial IPA’s and stouts. I work out regularly and take pretty good care of myself, but I think I’d be ripped like Gerard Butler in 300 if it weren’t for the damn beer. Instead I look like Gerard Butler in Barbados.
2. Muddy Head. I’m past the point in my life where I get smashed – I have too many responsibilities to put myself out of the game. But that doesn’t mean drinking even moderately doesn’t take a toll. I hate that “muddy headed” feeling I get the morning after enjoying a couple of craft beers. I drink plenty of water and pace myself, but my 40-year-old frame still feels it the next day. What the hell, craft beer? Can’t I just enjoy your company without repercussions?!
3. The Panic of “Missing Out” on an Ungettable. I’m tortured by beer releases. Part of it is this damn blog – I feel like I need to try the latest-and-greatest so I can share it here. The other part of it is my obsessive and competitive nature. I always want to “win” and get my hands on the stuff that’s playing hard-to-get. I try to resist the hype, but I often find myself cruising the beer stores looking for treasures, afraid that someone else will get all the good stuff if I don’t check the shelves regularly. Thanks for the OCD flare up, craft beer.
4. The empties. My recycling is picked up twice a month, and I manage to produce plenty of empties between pickups. I am overwhelmed by a mix of grief and pride as I drag the can to the curb. I think about how much money I spent on all that beer that is now gone, which makes me uptight – it’s a little shocking to see it all in one place. But I also feel like I might impress the squat Latin guy who is dumping my empties into the truck. Este tío tiene un gusto impresionante en la cerveza y, probablemente, tiene un pene muy grande.
5. Homebrewing. There, I said it. I suck at homebrewing and don’t have the time (or probably the will) to do it right. I have currently have two carboys full of shame that have been sitting in my bathtub for months now, waiting to be bottled. I don’t even know if they’re still good – I’m afraid to look at them. Anyway, my inability to stick with homebrewing brings some of my many faults into sharp relief. That’s just plain annoying – thanks for making me feel like a schlub, homebrewing.
So there you have it, the five things that get under my skin when it comes to craft beer. Do any of these bug you as well?